


Memories

by Jadenlovesya99



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gerita Week, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-11-13 11:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18031268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadenlovesya99/pseuds/Jadenlovesya99
Summary: Suicide is never an easy way out. Especially for Nations. The bullet would go through sure, and their heart may temporarily stop. Essentially what said nations experience is living in the middle of life and death. For Ludwig, that middle contains memories blocked previously by black magic. Will Ludwig return to his family who are so desperately waiting for him on the true side? Or will he outlive them by spending endless days in a coma while his body tries to heal itself?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of suicide/self-harm

Italy hadn’t been there when it happened, but the second he got the phone call he drove straight to the hospital. Germany was not only his most trusted ally, but also his best friend. Feliciano trusted Ludwig more than he had trusted anyone since H.R.E. Lud was strong and handsome. Sure they had their moments, both of them were so hard on each other, but nobody knew Feli better than Ludwig. Nobody understood his fears or knew when he needed alone time better than Ludwig did.

Nobody knew Germany better than Prussia. Gilbert had raised the kid after all. He knew Ludwig well enough to be able to know when something was wrong. When Gilbert found Ludwig laying in his office floor with a bullet through his skull he instantly knew. All nations tried suicide, but it never worked. It just wasn’t a way out for nations. The only way for a nation to truly die was if another nation shot the gun. Gilbert brought Ludwig to the only doctor he knew could treat this. An old witch doctor who ran a small hospital on the eastern german countryside.

The changes in Gilbert’s little brother hadn’t exactly been soutble. He noticed the longing glances towards a certain small ally. Emotions were never Gilbert’s strong point, and in turn they had never been Ludwig’s either. The guilt Gilbert felt for that weighed heavy in his chest every time he heard Ludwig speak in front of his fellow nations. Ludwig hadn’t left behind a note, but there was a journal Gilbert found lying on Ludwig’s desk. The suspicions about Feliciano had been correct. They were polar opposites, but Gilbert could understand why Ludwig found love in Feliciano.

Feli was gentle. He was...happy. Not many nations could be the way Feliciano was. Gilbert had listened in to their late night phone calls and conversations. He had heard the way Feli spoke to Ludwig as if they  were already lovers. Ludwig was lonely and Feli filled the void in the blond’s soul. Nobody but the three of them knew all the times Ludwig clung to Feli during storms, or when Ludwig was so frustrated he couldn’t see straight so Feli just held his hand and promised they would figure out a solution.

Gilbert decided before the phone call was ever made Feliciano would never see the journal. It would betray Ludwig’s trust. The contents of Ludwig’s private writings were not for Feli’s eyes to ever see. The italian wasn’t weak and was no stranger to suffering, but Gilbert knew the guilt Feli would carry if he saw the words. They were closer than meets the eye, Feliciano and Gilbert. Both of them had questions left unanswered about H.RE. However, the most important bond holding them together was the fact they both loved the same man. That man was currently lying in a coma, and all they could do was wait for him to return.

From the day Feliciano arrived at the hospital he was glued to Ludwig’s side. He spoke to what was essentially the shell of his best friend in gentle coos and songs. Gilbert always listened with watery eyes. Crying in front of Feliciano wasn’t something he was embarrassed about. They’d seen each other cry plenty of times, but crying in general made Gilbert feel weak.

“He can’t die,” Feli spoke, tired looking eyes now gazing over to Gilbert. Feli was sat in a chair to the right of Ludwig, Gilbert sat to his brother’s left. “Countries don’t die from their own bullets.” A nod. A single nod was all Gilbert could muster. Feliciano was growing impatient. “Come on Ludwig. Come back to us.”

Feliciano had lost count of how many days it had been now. He was neglecting work and more often than not refused to speak. The only time Feli spoke was late at night to Ludwig. Gilbert pretended to sleep in order to listen to what the Italian was saying. Feli was mostly lying about the day previously. What he and Gilbert had done while waiting for Ludwig to wake. Sometimes Gilbert thought he had made a mistake in calling Feliciano, but other times he believed Feli had just as much of a right to be here as he did. Gilbert had actually been sleeping when he was awoken to the sound of soft sobs. “Come on Luddy.” He heard Feliciano sob. “I’ve waited so long already. Please if you love me...don’t do this to me again.” Soon sobs turned to wails. Gilbert couldn’t ignore it anymore. He stood then walked over to Feli’s half of the room. He gently wrapped his arms around Feli’s shoulders. The Italian tensed before curling into Gil’s side. “He’ll come back Feli. Just be patient.”

The following week Lovino came. He was the first person to ask for a moment alone with Ludwig, or what was left of him. Gilbert was very reluctant, but he ended up leading Feli out the door. They both needed a break, needed to get food. Feli had eaten maybe three times in the weeks he had been with Ludwig. Lovino sat in silence for a long time. He wasn’t angry. Lovi understood more than anyone what it was like to be in a place like that. Where everything became too much. “Listen here potato bastard,” Lovi spoke sternly. “I know you can hear us. I know you’ve heard my Fratello crying himself to sleep over this.” Lovi was clenching his fists, ready to cry himself. “We’ve been over this si? We made a deal!” One hand uncurled itself and took hold of Ludwig’s wrist. “You hurt my fratello...my untainted baby brother again and I…” Lovi’s voice broke. Why was he crying?! He never cried. “I’m sick and tired of seeing him this way. So come back and fix it!”

Gilbert sent Feli back to the room alone. He needed air and to smoke. Gilbert desperately needed to smoke. Feliciano went back and sat next to his brother. He instantly tangled his fingers in Ludwig’s. Lovino had done this before...tired this way out. “Where is he Lovi?” Feli asked, looking at Ludwig’s face. “What happens when…” Lovino sighed. “There’s no telling. The bastard could be anywhere.” Feli looked over with big heartbroken looking eyes. Lovino only grew more upset. “Elaborate. Please. I need to know how to help him.” Lovi was weak for Feli. “He could be anywhere from his childhood to the future. There’s no telling. The story of Every nation is different.” Lovino wrapped an arm around his brother, squeezing his shoulder. “He’ll come home Feli. Before you even know it.” Lovino spent the majority of that night holding his brother as he cried, pleaded, for Ludwig to come home.

Gilbert had returned to find the two Italians sound asleep in each other's arms. Spain had dropped Roma off before returning home. The Italians would go back together. Gil didn’t always hold Ludwig’s hand as Feliciano did...but that night, he did reach over and hold Ludwig’s lifeless hand. “Ich Liebe Dich Bruder,” Gil whispered, bringing Ludwig's hand up to his mouth and pressing a tender kiss to it. “I can’t help but wonder where you are.” Gil kept his voice as quiet as he could, giggling some. “Well, wherever you are...I hope you know that we love you.” For the first night since Ludwig’s attempt Gilbert slept soundly.


	2. Remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where do nations go when they try to commit suicide?  
> Every story is different, but this chapter answers the question as for the case of Ludwig Beilschmidt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *descriptions/Talk of suicide

It had been a moment of weakness. Ludwig wasn’t a man who considered himself weak. Not until he found himself sobbing over a journal. Nations weren’t supposed to fall in love. Especially not the all mighty, rule with an iron fist, Germany. He was supposed to be the strong one. The tough as nails nation. They were supposed to be a unit who focused solely on work. These relations weren’t supposed to even be possible.

Being a nation had taken all the fun out of life. It took so much to get drunk, but Lud still managed to do that. He wasn’t supposed to have a weak bone in his body, but if someone was to hurt Feliciano it would all be over. Feliciano was kind and vulnerable, and...beautiful. Ludwig wasn’t meant to have any weak spots. He hadn’t been raised to. But Feli could never love him. Who could love a monster? A man who slaughtered millions of people for what? For the color of their hair...their religion. Feli was an angel and for that reason, Ludwig couldn’t blame him for turning on him. Feliciano deserved a man who was as pure and gentle as him.

Then there was his gun. His gun had never failed him. Allies would turn, but a gun? No, it always did its job. Other nations said suicide wasn’t an option. Not for nations, but Ludwig was ready to test that theory. The end of the gun was cool against his temple. After one last drink of beer the man fired.

It was calming at first. He saw a light. The brightest light he had ever seen in his life. He could hear sounds as well. Beautiful sounds. The brighter the lights got the louder the sounds got. It sounded like a little boy laughing. Then he saw him. A little blond mess of a child. Something about the kid struck Ludwig as safe. He trusted him. Maybe it was the all too familiar outfit. He’d seen that somewhere, but where?

“Ludwig! Ludwig come on!” The child cheered. Slowly the world around them was turning to color. It was no longer that same bright light. Ludwig’s legs didn’t give him a choice to protest. He was running with the child towards what seemed to be a field. The second Ludwig made it to the field he noticed something even more alarming. The light was now gone. Ludwig was watching a little boy chase around a young girl in a green dress. How long had it been? Why did this feel so familiar?

“Be one with me!” The little blond boy begged as he chased the other child. “No! Leave me alone!”

There was a particular ache in Ludwig’s heart when he heard those words. Why? Why did this all hurt so badly? Next thing Ludwig knew the children were older. Much older. They were painting on the countryside together. The young girl was much more skilled than the little boy. He’d seen that painting before...but where? Ludwig observed the girl in green comfort the little boy as he grew frustrated. He noticed the blush on the child’s cheek when their hands touched.

It was truly a touching love story. Until it was over. That’s when everything began to make sense. The kiss beneath the fountain. A promise of a lover that never came home. Holy Roman Empire. That is who the small blond child was. The little girl was no girl at all. Wearing that green dress was Italy.

Ludwig felt paralyzed as the scene around him faded. He saw the little boy again, but he wasn’t moving. He was laying on a table in...England’s basement? Why was he there? What had happened to him?! Feliciano was here too! And Gilbert! They could help him. Surely they might be able to help! 

When Ludwig opened his mouth to speak no words came out. He couldn’t touch Feli or his brother. They would never be able to hear him. This wasn’t relief anymore! This was hell. Ludwig had no choice to watch as feli sobbed in Gilbert’s arms.

“Come home Luddy!”

Next thing he knew he was seeing himself, but from above. Almost as if he was laying on the ceiling. He could see Gilbert holding his hand and Feli curled up asleep in Lovino’s arms. Ludwig wanted to move. He wanted to wipe those tear stains away from his Feliciano's cheeks. But he was frozen. Ludwig closed his eyes when Feliciano woke. He didn’t want to see Feli upset because of him. He couldn’t bear it.

Feli was rubbing his arm. Barely touching. Just as he always had when bringing Ludwig out of a nightmare or calming him during a storm. Ludwig wanted to cry, wanted to scream for Feliciano that he was there. That neither of them had to cry.

“We’ll get through this Ludwig. Once you come home. We will make it through all of this.” Ludwig shut his eyes tighter. “You and me against the world. Just like its always been.” When Ludwig opened his eyes he wasn’t staring down at himself anymore. Not his grown persona anyways. It was little Holy Roman Empire laying on that bed. Feliciano was still rubbing his arm. “You’ll come home this time...I know you will.”

What if he couldn't. What if Ludwig never figured out a way home? What would Feliciano do then? What would Gilbert do? It was as if Feliciano could hear Ludwig’s insecure thoughts. “You always find your way back to me. No matter what is going on at the time.” Feli laughed lightly then took Ludwig’s hand into his own. “Remember that time during the second world war?” Ludwig felt himself start to smile. “When I got mixed up in the lines of Jews.” Feli was going to cry. Ludwig could hear it in his voice. “You put the fear of god into those men’s eyes. Knowing damn well they couldn’t hurt me.”

Ludwig remembered that so vividly it hurt. That had probably been the scariest war experience he ever had. Feli would have suffered twice as long and as hard as the others had. He would’ve been turned into a lab experiment right before Ludwig's eyes.

“I remember when you finally found me..” Feli was sobbing now. Ludwig was hardly able to keep his eyes open. “You yelled and were angry...but then when we got home you cried. Hugged me like you never had before.” Ludwig nodded, even though Feli couldn’t see him. The italian seemed to be holding his breath, waiting desperately for Ludwig to make a move or a sound or wake up. “I wish you would just show me something, Ludwig. Anything. To give us some hope that you’re still in there.”

Oh, how Ludwig wished he could. He wanted so desperately to wrap his arms around Feliciano. To hold the trembling Italian after a particularly irritating world meeting. To get annoyed that their fridge always smelt of pasta leftovers. That’s not right. It had never annoyed him. Ludwig realized now how much he had taken that pasta smell for granted. Or the way he longed to taste the red wine on Feli’s lips. They still hadn’t had their first true kiss. Not as the people they were today.

Feli sniffled and laughed a little. “I know you’ll come back to me now. Just like you always do.” Ludwig couldn’t stand to just watch anymore. He had to do something! Anything! He had kept Feli waiting for so long. For so many years now. It was time to go back, he had to go back. Ludwig just didn’t know how to. “I miss you Lud...I’m going to be right here. When you wake up. Nobody is upset with you over this. You’re so strong. We miss you. Even Lovi misses you.” Feli laid his head down on the edge of Ludwig's bed.

Ludwig felt as if he was screaming. Every fiber in his being was being thrown towards the bed in desperate attempts to wake himself up. Feliciano needed him! He needed him now! That’s when Feli felt it. The little twitch of Ludwig's fingers. “Gilbert. Gilbert he moved!”

Instantly Ludwig saw his brother jerk to life. He could feel the warmth of Prussia’s hand against his own. “Hell yea little bro!! Come on...you can pull through this. For us!” The smile on both their faces made Ludwig beyond happy with himself. How could he have done something so small yet make them smile like this? “Grazie Ludwig!” Feli sobbed. Lovino had been the heaviest sleeper. The Italian could sleep through a nuclear war if he was allowed to. 

Ludwig’s body felt heavy. Then just like that everything began to spin. Ludwig tried to scream, to fight against the feeling of flying back through oblivion. The lights were too bright! He couldn’t see them anymore. Feliciano was gone. Gilbert was gone. Lovino was gone. He was alone. Alone again in his own thoughts. When Ludwig looked down he isn't himself anymore. He was dressed in a black cape with a white dress shirt underneath.

“Welcome back Little Holy Rome.” Ludwig jumped at the sound of the deep and godlike voice. When he turned to see none other than the Roman Empire himself he nearly screamed. “I knew you’d be visiting me again. Come, child, have a seat.”

Ludwig would’ve been stupid to have disobeyed the man. He scurried quickly and placed himself on the cloud-like structure. They were looking down at the Earth below them. “Do you understand what I am showing you? Take your time. Get a good look.” The older nation instructed. Ludwig nodded, following along flawlessly. This was his chance! He was finally getting to meet the great, legendary, Rome. Ludwig didn’t even know what to say. The only things he had comprehended was the fact that he was the Holy Roman Empire and he was in fact, sitting on a cloud with Rome looking down at,

“This is Berlin. But...why does everyone look so sad?” Ludwig had always taken such pride in the happiness of his citizens. Seeing them all like this...it hurt. Rome draped an arm around the country’s shoulders. “This is what happens when a nation tries to die. Their citizens feel the hurt too.” Ludwig felt his heart waver. Every nation loved their citizens. That was one of the best parts of the job. Seeing people happy. Ludwig had hurt them all too.

Rome smiled down at the boy. “You’ve won the hearts of so many Mr. Beilschmidt,” His voice was fatherly. It was no wonder why Italy had loved him so much. “Yet you don’t even know it.” Ludwig blushed hard. “This is...quite the honor. To be here with you.” Ludwig spoke as he finally looked at the great nation in the eyes. “I feel as if I could die happy now.”

Rome laughed. “Oh don’t kid yourself. You wouldn’t die happy.” Ludwig raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what you mean..?” He asked, blushing harder due to being laughed at. Rome looked down for a moment with a sort of longing look in his eyes. “Look there.” He pointed to a certain someone, pacing back and forth outside of the hospital. “My grandson. You possess great affection for him to don’t you?” This time it was Ludwig’s turn to laugh.

“Of course. I love him more than any being on this planet. Apart from maybe our dogs. But they’re ours.” Ludwig shrugged. He did miss his dogs awfully. Who was taking care of them now if Feli refused to leave his side? “Don’t worry about your dogs Mr. Beilschmidt. This is about Feliciano. He needs you.” The blond frowned. “I’m not ready to go back.” It couldn’t end so soon. Feli spent years with Rome, surely he would understand if Ludwig spent a few more minutes.

The elder nation wasn’t having any of that. “Listen now my child,” He spoke in that deep fatherly voice. “You do not want to stay here longer than you must. Your loved ones will never forgive you if you end up trapped here as I have.” Ludwig’s eyes widened. So this is why Rome randomly vanished off the face of the earth! This is where he disappeared to! “I do love my job. It would be such a pain if a bright young nation like you were to take it. It is time for you to go home. Speak to Feliciano of your knowledge. Let him tell you what happened at England’s house.”

Ludwig still didn’t want to leave. He just wanted a few more minutes! A longer conversation. But the next thing he knew everything began going white. All Ludwig could hear were the sounds of the ones he loved begging for him to return home. Then the light got brighter and brighter and….

“Feliciano…?”

**Author's Note:**

> There is more to come ;)


End file.
